Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A Yuletide Tail; Not Your Average Tale.

You pick up this working girl who's hooked on smack, who hustles and scores. "That's all I do." She says, she says, "Ten bucks for head, fifteen for half-and-half." She says, "Three hits a day at thirty five per.." You say, "..that's seven tricks a day at least." But she says, "Sometimes I get lucky. Once this guy gives me a bill and a half just to eat me...only time I ever came."

You figure you can save her. You sell your color TV; that keeps her off the streets for a whole day. You hock your typewriter for one job, then your shotgun, your watch....

A week later you say, "Listen, I'm a little short," but she says, "No scratch, no snatch." You say, "Look, it is better to give." But she says, "Beat off, ceep."

One night they spot you on the street in your skivvies trying to sell your shoes. You tell them who you are but they nail you. Then she happens to walk by and she says, "Christ, you look fucked!" She says, "Hang tough!"

But you don't say anything, you just think, "What a bum-wrap for a nice, sensitive guy like me."

Let it snow, let it snow....

Thanks PQM.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Don't Steal Another Man's Jizz. That's Just Wrong.

"Stealing things is a glorious occupation, particularly in the art world."

-- Malcolm Mclaren

So, Coldplay front man and main song writer, Chris Martin has now been accused of plagiarism by guitar-god Joe Satriani. Apparently there are way too many similarities in the melody for Joe Satriani's "If I Could Fly" and Coldplay's "Viva La Vida".  There's an article here with both songs played for comparison. 

My take on this, as a musician myself is this; Coldplay is a little whack. They're akin to the movie Twiins. Radiohead is like Arnold Schwarzenegger's character who was born first; with like all the awesome-sick genes and Coldplay is like Danny DeVito's character who came after and is comprised of all the shit genes. Funny thing is; the aforementioned statement and analogy is not even mine. I totally plagiarized Amado V. That was his statement, in a conversation we had. See? We're ALL thieves. I just thought the irony was too great to not capture and write about here. Only I know Amado's not going to sue me, also.

Plus, I mean, how annoying is Chris Martin? You know the other guys in the band can't stand him because no one even knows who the hell they are! That band might as well be called the Chris Martin Band. CMB! Like DMB, which is another annoying band I cannot fucking stand. Seriously; fuck you if you even remotely like Dave Matthews Band. And fuck you Chris Martin for writing The Scientist and having it remind me of my ex; now I really hate you. 

Let me see you plagiarize this:

Monday, December 8, 2008

Links, Not To Be Confused With Lynx

Real quick hits for your mental snacking and crotch-region entertainment. Omar (CEASETODREAM PROMOTIONS) has a new blog he just started. Seriously, I've looked into the future, read his future posts and they are good. I mean, real good. If you like movies, you would definitely not only enjoy his blogs, but benefit from them as well. If you don't like movies, feel free to go buy a hand gun and shoot yourself because for some odd reason you are more than happy with your pathetic reality. So go check him out here. Be patient, he just started and he'll need a little time to start putting up those posts I have seen....from the future.

Another quick hit; Ben's blog is seriously some of the funniest shit I've read. I always envy people that can say so much in so little and Ben actually pulls that off real good.  And basically on just about any subject because really he thinks it and writes it; no filter. I on the other hand, ramble. Check his blog out here. He's also going to be working on a blog I'm a part of as well. It's a collective of writers that are basically going to respond to people sending in emails regarding anything and everything and the entire collective of writers will be responding; good or bad. So be ready for some serious elitism madness. The site's called Tastebuds. Check it out, it's getting started this week. Be one of the first to email them a question, a comment or concern about whatever; they will respond.

And last; I was talking with one of my best friend's Steve today from Black Sparrow Tattoos and, well I will not bore you with the entire details of our conversation, but I will point out an interesting blog that he brought up to me to check out. I did, I laughed and I pissed myself. It's called Cake Wrecks and it's basically a site about the most ridiculous cakes. Stupid cake ideas people have actually done and also pictures of mostly typographical or grammatical errors on cakes. Seriously, I went there and spent an easy hour on the site. Enjoy.

I'll write back more tomorrow. Still a lot to catch up on, like I said. Be patient you pieces of shit.

Prefuse Was Here....

Man, I have a lot to catch up on, or rather catch you up on. I have come to the realization that my time is very limited in the afternoons and evenings and I am trying to fit everything in. So let's go.

Last night Sunday, I went with Rich & Jimmy to Heathrow on the beach to go see none other than one of my favorite musical artist; Prefuse 73 or Guillermo Scott Herren as his mother named him. Ironically enough, Prefuse was born here in Miami, so I thought we were going to be in for a hell of a show.

I won't lie, I was truly under the impression that he was going to DJ and I was really just looking forward to some choice tunes and possibly a few of his gems thrown in for good measure. What was to follow basically resembles the above photo. And that really sucks because I cannot stress how good Prefuse 73's music really is. 

Gill came out with some other dude a little past 1:30 AM. There was roughly 5-10 mins of silence as the previous DJ's laptop was disconnected and all of Gill's equipment was then installed. I mean, I don't really blame him, I blame more the club and its owners, but I thought that was a little ridiculous. It made for a really uncomfortable few minutes in the club where everyone's small talk chatter was all you could here. Worst of all, you could ACTUALLY here people's conversations, which again, were pretty dull and pathetic. I found myself succumbing to being prejudice as hell (for the sake of humor) and started to make a couple of sarcastic, observant, tasteless remarks about a not-too-attractive oriental girl. But all this was justified with Rich & Jimmy's laughter. I made an observation and stated to R & J, "...is it me or are asian/oriental people either really good-looking or just really unattractive? Like, there is no middle ground with them." To which they both agreed. And I feel bad saying this but the girl had some pretty bad acne and I also made a quip about that. "She looks like she cleans her face at night with the same rag she cleans her wok with." I know; bad taste. But 1. that's my style of humor and 2. something had to be done and discussed while our friend here was setting up.

Once he began, seriously, it was a jumbled mess that had little flash-in-the-pan moments of a little groovy beat that would then suddenly be drowned again by ridiculous noise. Honestly, that's the best I can describe it. And I can really break something down to the ridiculous and describe it to the point where you should be able to taste it. But honestly, as a musician and producer myself, I mean, it was simply noise. Gill was up there in the booth some some other guy and apparently they were both "playing" for us. But the thing that struck me odd watching (and unfortunately listening) was that they were both bobbing to the music, right? But they were bobbing off beat to one another. In other words, it was as if each one was listening to something the other totally was not. And perhaps THIS is the reason why the audio garbage that was seeping, nay, booming out of the speakers -to the point where near the end of the set, a boss had approached the security guard by the booth instructing him, to instruct Gill, to turn the volume down- was downright insulting. 

I was so looking forward to this more than anything this whole Art Basel. This one moment, this one show. I was glad to be able to see and hear Prefuse 73 for the first time live and I was extremely disappointed. Honestly, the highlight of the night was smoking weed in the alley in the back of the club, eventually walking into this whack wannabe strip club a few units down from the club where as we walked by the first time the guy outside says to us, "Come inside. $20 all you can drink, all you can fuck!" Only for us to walk in, at my insistence, to see just two, scantily (not nude) girls dancing at two separate poles in a space that was no bigger than the living room and dining room in my place. We pretty much walked out as quickly as we walked in. Another highlight was running into an old friend from high school whom I haven't seen in over ten years. Oddly enough, turns out her boyfriend went to school with Rich and she went to school with me. Small world. Oh and the last highlight; being on the verge of piss-drunkeness and enjoying a nice quarter pounder with cheese at 4 in the morning. 

Thanks for nothing, man.

Monday, December 1, 2008

....upside your head.


(used to express mild dismay, chagrin, surprise, etc., as at one's own mistake, a clumsy act or social blunder.)

1925-30; orig. uncert.

Most people do not know the first thing about apologizing. Most people ruin apologies. And you know how they do this? By following their apology with an excuse. Before I even begin to give the impression that I am all holier than thou, I will attest to the fact that I too am guilty of committing said error. 

But really, all apologies have really lost their meaning. Kind of like, "I love you." There is a statement that throughout all of my adolescence, teenage years and adulthood; I have seen this phrase thrown around so casually, so ridiculously that like an apology, it has lost all meaning. 

Ever wonder what causes more inspiration; love or misery? I wish I had an answer, but I don't because I've worn both shoes. And both shoes have served me just fine in that art of word expression. Perhaps there is a fine line between the two. Perhaps the two are one in the same. Either way, this is an interesting website where people go and post apologies or post a demand for an apology. I didn't sign up, I just mostly skimmed through t the "Apology To.." section. it's pretty damn confessional, miserable and interesting in there, let me tell you. You got people apologizing into cyberspace about their infidelities, their lying, etc. It makes for an interesting read. A 24-hour, online confessional, sans church, booth, priest and hail Mary's. Check it out for yourself. I thought it made for a good read, just when you thought everything was alright in the world. Ha! 

Always remember; there will ALWAYS be a river to go drown yourself in. Always.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Robot Jive Turkey

I hope everyone had a memorable Thanksgiving. I for one cannot wait for it to be over. I want to shed the 7lbs (Yes! 7!) I gained over the course of the last 5 days. Ridiculous I tell you. I was telling Lou that I went and bought myself two hoodies this morning because I'm going to punish myself for the foreseeable future. I'm running 5 miles in the morning in one and 5 miles in the afternoon with the other and all this will be taking place before I go to do my regularly scheduled work-out for the day. Turkey be gone from me!! No worries, though. I'll drop those 7lbs and a few more in less than 2 weeks. I knew it was going to come to this with the ridiculous manner in which I was eating, but fuck it. 

In the meantime, I just had to put this up because not only are the tracks sick, but obviously what this cat is doing is amazing as well. I am determined now to learn how to pop and lock as opposed to poop and rock. 

Enjoy. And thanks again Lou.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Relativity Of Relationships

Relationships, I tell you; tremendous jokes within themselves. I am of the mind-set now that a relationship is like a cancer, a sickness that prevents you from doing much. I mean, let's be honest here. There are those romantic fools that believe that when they are so "wrapped up in love'' that there is nothing that they can't do. Truth of the matter is; there is nothing that they do. You both (if you're lucky to not be the only one) have your heads so far up each others' asses that in reality, you don't have time to do anything else. In a relationship, you really accomplish much less than you would or could if you were single and not distracted.

A relationship is something you have to want to have; especially if you have no immediate ambitions. Take a look at me; there are numerous things I was able to accomplish in short amounts of time before and after my last relationship. Before; I rigorously went to the gym, ate healthy, lost 40lbs and was never as focused and determined. During my relationship; I gained 5lbs, went to the gym 10% of the time I normally would, lost all sense of what was right and what was wrong, got mentally and spiritually broken and was eventually replaced. Post relationship; regained focus (after x amount of time of feeling lost), lost the 5lbs I gained during the relationship, actually quit smoking, started writing again and became a lot more relaxed and irresponsible. The irresponsible comment is a testament to having learned simply to relax more and do less thinking, actually.

There were several things that I lost at the end of that relationship as well; my inability to trust whole-hearted, my faith in certain ideas I had about my own future and most of all, my desire for any type of commitment. I don't even want to sign any type of contract because of my overwhelming desire to not attach myself to anything. I feel like being just another floating asteroid bumping into things as I move along with no plan or desire to really get anywhere specific. I just want to float, hang out and be, for now.

I'm pretty much accomplishing this because my drive and determination to "take control of my life" has pretty much taken a back seat to more important things like "Not thinking and just doing." Yeah, pretty much now a days, the vast majority of my brain-power, if you will, actually gets applied to this blog and the other one that's in the works as of now.

I catch myself thinking sometimes; old habits die hard, I guess. But usually, I limit myself to simple thoughts and no (under any circumstances) over-thinking or over analyzing what so ever. I have come to learn more and more and appreciate more and more two things. And these are two things I recommend to you, whether you're currently in a relationship or not.

1. True perfection comes through effortlessness.

Nothing should be forced; let things take their own course. Trust me, I learned this the easy way and the hard way. If you sit still long enough in quicksand, it might actually spit you right back out. Things happen for a reason; what that reason is I don't know, but shit happens. Eventually you will know why.

2. Don't over analyze anything.

Over analyzing is like throwing a warm towel over your brain. The worst part about over analyzing is how it leads you to second-guess yourself. That's what kills me every time. I hate second-guessing myself and hardly ever do, but when I have, its very disheartening because I take pride in sticking to my decisions.

So really, there you have it; what has been on my mind today or rather this morning. I felt the need to write something of value because I hadn't had the opportunity this whole weekend, but I thought to myself, I had to make up for it today at some point. And I imagine I will probably write some more today if I make it home in one piece. Possibly seeing Q-Tip and The Cool Kids tonight at Revolution then going to Vagabond for the 80's Prom-thing they have going on there. Go out there and make it if you can; it should be a good time, even if just because I will be there. Haha.

Oh and lastly, always, always, always trust your gut instinct. Majority of the time, you're either right or just hungry. Either way, you can't go wrong.

Friday, November 21, 2008

A Sarah Palin Thanksgiving

This is by far one of the funniest things you are going to see. Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin pardons a turkey for Thanksgiving, then conducts an interview, apparently unaware of what is going on behind her. I watched this and literally cried from laughing so hard. Man, and to think that she could've been our Vice President.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

A Hot Dog For Your Troubles

Fat Baby

Back at the end of October, I went to go celebrate my birthday in NYC, clear my head a bit from the events of the previous few weeks, wanted to be back in the city I lived in for a few years and of course, wanted to spend some time with Karen.

So, I flew in on Friday the 24th and the following day, Karen and I went to the Lower East Side to a club called Fat Baby, to meet up with some friends of hers; one in particular who was getting married or leaving town or both. So to not bore you with minute details, we'll fast forward several hours. 

There's an upstairs and a downstairs. I had a tab open at the bar upstairs and was hanging with Karen downstairs. She suggested I go upstairs and close my tab, seeing as how we were evidently spending the remainder of the night downstairs. I went upstairs and the bar was extremely packed and busy, so I figured I would take that opportunity to go outside and have a smoke (I just quit 2 weeks ago today, BTW). It was while smoking outside I realized that I was feeling a little inebriated and slightly empty, so I decided to venture and look for something to eat. After walking 2 blocks in this direction and 2 blocks in that direction, I finally settled on a large Hal-Al stand which coincidentally was directly across the street from the club. Why I didn't go there in the first place, I do not know. In case you don't know what I mean by Hal-Al; they're like the Middle Eastern guys that have the gyros and kabobs and whatnot.

The Stand

I walked up and was really not interested in the gyros, kabobs and anything else that was both grilling and fermenting in their own flavors, so I decided to go with a hot dog.

Me: "Can I get a hot dog, with Sauerkraut, mustard and a little relish and onions, please."

He proceeds to set this all up for me. 

As he is handing me the goods, he looks at me and says;

Vendor: "Do you mind watching the cart while I go to the bathroom."
Me: "What?!"
Vendor: "I really need to go to the bathroom. Do you mind watching the cart for me while I go? It's just inside that store across the street."
Me: "Uhm....watch THE cart?! Are you serious? You're kidding, right?" 
Vendor: "Yeah, please watch..." as he takes off!

The Hot Dog

Now, I am left standing there; feeling like I just got recruited into something I wanted no part of. As I stand there, I think to myself, "Ok, I'm going to stand here for the duration of time it takes me to finish this hot dog. Mind you, we're talking like 2 minutes, tops. As I take my first bite, I'm staring at the cart as though it were a nuclear reactor or something. Now mind you, I consider myself a pretty accomplished cook but I won't lie; there was a level of intimidation. Or perhaps embarrassment? I mean, what if an attractive girl walked by and assumed I was the "hot dog guy" and not hot dog in the good way either!

I'm not done fully chewing my first bite, nor processing my thoughts when suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder. "Hey man, 2 chicken kabobs." A random yuppie-looking drunk guy asks.

Me: "Uhm, I don't work here, dude. I'm just eating my hot dog."
Drunk: "Where is the guy?"
Me: "Believe it or not, he actually walked away and said he was going to the bathroom."
Drunk: "Really? Hhmmm."

He proceeds to walk past me, grabs 2 kabobs that were resting on the upper shelf of the grill and proceeds to cook them as his two friends start laughing at the situation. I just stand there; I mean, really, what the hell am I supposed to do? Plus, I wanna just finish my hot dog, get back inside, close and re-open my tab and get on with my night; its about 2:00 AM at this point. Now, I'm actually sitting here thinking, I'd better hurry before the guy comes back and tries to somehow pin the cost of this guy's food on me.

As he goes about grilling away, I say, "You know, if I were you, I'd hurry up because he left like a minute ago."

After a few more seconds, he grabs one of the kabobs off the grill and proceeds to eat it and walk away. He had travelled no more than 10 ft. when suddenly the vendor appears. He looks at the one kabob on the grill and looks at me.

Vendor: "What's this?"
Me: (Just now finishing my hot dog) "Uhm, that guy over there (as I point) decided to start cooking and walked away with a chicken kabob."
Vendor: "Did you charge him?!"
Me: "Did I charge him?!?! What the fuck you mean 'Did I charge him?' How the fuck am I supposed to know what to charge him, man!? I don't work for you! You don't have any signs up here stating how much anything is. You go get your money."

The Vendor proceeds to quickly hustle over to the guy and starts haggling him about the kabob. Somewhere I overheard the guy say he would pay to the tune of the vendor claiming the kabob was $6! Holy shit! He must've been price gauging his ass for trying to steal from him. Good thing there was that 1 chicken kabob left, still cooking on the grill. As those two were discussing their matter on the corner, not but 10 ft away from me,  I grabbed the last kabob and proceeded to eat it as I walked back inside the club. Hey, aside from having paid for the hot dog, I do think I deserved some form of payment for "working", even if it was short-lived for about 3 mins.

Only In New York, I tell you.

This is actually me, a few minutes after the incident, with Karen.

Some Long Distance Relationships Do Work


Shot from my screen.


Shot from Lou's screen. I don't like the fact hers was more clear than mine.

Ok, well in all actuality, Lou did kind of beat me to the punch in putting up last night's conversation picture. But I don't care; that's what she's got her own blog for as well.

I just wanted to kind of highlight last night's conversation with three of my best friends and kind of point out, as well as thank Apple, for making such a thing possible. You can see, in these photos, Laura, Karen, Lou and myself. All three of us talking live to one another via our Macs while being thousands of miles apart from each other. Lou and Laura are out in LA, Karen is in NY and I currently reside in Miami. All we needed was someone to be living in the North Pacific and we would have been covering all four corners of the country. 

Nothing too important, but at the same time, in regards to technology, I honestly find myself amazed at such little things I think we all take for granted. But for what it's worth, these are some of my dearest friends.

Monday, November 17, 2008

One of the Greatest Things You Should See 0.1

Bikers deserve love too. This is ridiculously hilarious.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Psalm 46:10 The First Entry

So this is the beginning of my blogging expedition. I and anyone actually reading this can thank Luisa for getting me started on this. I always did say that writing was not only a creative medium but an excellent outlet as well...at least for me. Its been far too long since I wrote something other than scripts and short stories; about time I started getting out all the observations that stick with me, haunt me, bother me, excite me, confuse me and consume me. 

I will write my findings, thoughts and observations as often as possible. Hopefully I will get to the point where I am writing on a daily basis. Much therapy is needed....on my part; not so sure about you, fair reader. I don't expect you to find all of this at all interesting, but rest assure, I will make it as interesting as possible and at the very least will make you think about certain things, if you hadn't thought about them already. I'm not about to write about how my dog took a shit in the house today or how I was looking for something under a table and bumped my head whilst trying to get up. I'll be writing about the randomness and the people I encounter as well as the ideas that come to me. Feel free to steal them. Because I know some of you will. 

So just pay attention, laugh with me or at me; its all the same.